There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
