Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
