I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i think i just lost a toe
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