I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
