Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
