I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
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She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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