my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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