Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
