if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
