the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
