I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
