Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
