I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
