I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
