remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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