I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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