i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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