bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
