Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
