i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
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She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.