I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I vomited out my contact lenses last night