she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now