I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security