The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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