My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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