dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
