saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
