Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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