this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
