I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
