bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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