Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
