Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
