i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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