There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
