how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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