I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i think my cat just said my name.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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