I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
