Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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