I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The ass gains better be worth it
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