Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
