Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
