I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
