I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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