Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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