so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
