When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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