I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
