Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
