Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
