I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
