Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When are your genitals available?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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