i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
