guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
