thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
