Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
