I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
