he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
A+ Viking dick
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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