I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
