I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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