I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Found the puke drawer
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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